If You Ask Me: It's Time For a Revolution

‘Start as you mean to go on’ goes the phrase – so Flo Whitaker’s kicking off 2025 by planning a revolution

I’m sitting at my kitchen table, (all revolutions should start in a kitchen or a pub) plotting my New World Order. Care to join me? Here are a few salient points from my manifesto:

Art: The standard of most community/public art in this country is atrocious. I shall introduce clear guidelines to improve matters. From now on, in order to qualify for funding, an installation must be able to utilise a traffic cone. If you can’t balance a cone on it – it’s not public art.

Farmers’ Markets: All stallholders must be actual farmers. If you’re an artisan soap maker, good for you – but I only wanted a cabbage, and now I’m confused.

Railways: Oooh – don’t get me started. There’s so much to sort out, but reinstating the term ‘passenger’ instead of ‘customer’ will be a priority.

Dentists: On-the-spot fines for any dentist who fills your mouth with ironmongery and that sucky- tubey-thingy that renders your tongue immoveable, then starts a conversation. And expects a reply.

Insincerity-Speak: Community Service Sentences will be handed down to politicians and media-types who trot out glib nonsense, including “Going on a journey”, “Thoughts and prayers” and “Lessons willbe learnt”. Harsher custodial terms will be reserved for greater crimes against the English language, such as “We’re progressing forwards”.

Insensitive Reporting: A quick march to the Tower of London awaits any journalist who shoves a camera and microphone into the face of a traumatised person and asks, “How are you feeling?”

Putting Feet on Seats: Young offenders will be shamed and issued with cheap, unfashionable trainers to wear in public for 30 days.

Self-Service Checkouts: The CEOs of supermarkets will be forced to use their own self-service checkouts in order to give them an idea of the hellish systems they’ve inflicted on the rest of us. Happy Blimmin’ New Year!