If You Ask Me: A Nobel Pursuit?

As a petulant man-baby throws his toys out of his pram because he hasn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize, Flo Whitaker ponders the thorny topic of awards

Come the glorious revolution, when I’ll (obviously) be in charge of everything, I shall ban the awarding of medals, ribbons and gongs. However, I’ll graciously make exceptions for Blue Peter badges and decorations for members of the armed forces and emergency services. I greatly respect those who choose a military life and are prepared to follow orders that may put themselves in peril. 

Likewise, you’d need a heart of stone to deny recognition for people who run towards burning buildings, or launch boats in mountainous seas to rescue total strangers. 

However, this current litany of self-entitlement and indulgence hand-outs needs to stop. Fancy a seat in the House of Lords? Make a substantial financial contribution to your chosen political party – and job done. 

For those of slenderer means; faithfully volunteer at election time to stuff envelopes or go canvassing, and a modest bauble will eventually be yours. Perhaps worst of all, many awards are conferred on people who are simply doing remunerated jobs of their choosing, so why do they also require medals? 

OBEs are routinely dished out for being quite good at playing golf, or for services to yoghurt manufacturing, while hospital cleaners and delivery drivers just get on with holding the country together and are mostly rewarded with casual indifference. 

As for the Nobel committee – perhaps they’ll give Trump the PeacePrize next year? Sounds implausible? Remember, they awarded it to Henry Kissinger in 1973, so are not immune to political lobbying.

That’s always the trouble with award schemes; they’re set up with fine, lofty intentions, but invariably disintegrate into a toxic brew of nepotism and egomania. Bah!