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If You Ask Me This April...

This month, Flo Whitaker tries in vain to understand the attractions of Social Media

I don’t want to tweet, nor am I remotely interested in someone else’s self-indulgent twitterings. And who can explain the joys of internet ‘tagging’? In my day, a polite handshake sufficed. And what about internet ‘friends’? Just because your hairdresser’s boyfriend’s sister-in-law posted pictures of her repellent children, and you clicked the like button because you didn’t want to offend, doesn’t mean these people are your actual friends. You’ve never met them. They are just people who know other people – that’s all.

To my way of thinking, real friends can be defined in three simple categories. To illustrate my theory, let’s assume you need to move house – immediately:

  1. A casual friend will ask lots of annoying questions as to why you’re packing up in such a hurry, then half-heartedly indicate they may be able to assist, unless it’s raining – or it’s too hot. Or their knees/shoulders/hips, (delete as appropriate) are “playing up again” which they probably will be.
  2. A good friend will enthusiastically offer to help, will keep their enquiries to the bare minimum, are 100% sincere and can be guaranteed to actually turn up, regardless of weather conditions or physical impairments. And they’ll bring chocolate biscuits.
  3. A best friend will refrain entirely from questioning your motives and be content to work on the “I really don’t need to know” principle. They’ll arrive within 30 minutes, bring wine, vodka and a takeaway…and then help you dispose of the body. Now that’s what I call friendship.